*I was 14 back then. But re-reading them made me reminisce with those feelings I used to have. Perhaps, I do understand through this why I am the way I am today.*
"Why does the world build you up with so many expectations that you have to withhold? Why do we have to have lots of friends? Why do we have to like certain music and certain people? Why are we not allowed to disagree or argue with people? It’s annoying. Just say what’s on your bloody mind already. I LIKE having differences.
I’ve decided that I don’t like people really. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean it in a horrible way… I’m just not a people person. They hurt you, manipulate you and disappoint you. I would prefer to live in my room all alone with a TV and maybe a dog or something forever. That way I’ll be protected in a little cocoon and not have to care about being this persona I’m supposed to be. All I know is that being with people… I’m not me. I want to be me but if I were, I fear that I would have no friends and I may in fact forever stay in my room alone. And apparently that is socially unacceptable. Who even decides that being alone is wrong?! Whoever decided it can fuck off and should know how much I sincerely hate them because I am now forced to socialise when I don’t want to. Why should I have to do things I don’t want?
I’m just so tired… Like I can’t be bothered to do anything. Sometimes I get these highs where I feel great and I get all excited and active but then I get these lows and I just give up on everything. I just want to curl up in a ball with blankets, watch films, cry, eat ice cream and cry some more. Which is why I like being alone… What’s odd is that usually I feel so alone and empty inside and yet I’m always with people but when I’m actually alone, I don’t feel alone. It doesn’t make sense but it’s true. I like talking to certain people, like my ImFs.. Or just people that make me smile…
Anyway… I’m gonna go feel lonely like some sad little girl (I really am pathetic). Bye little peas. Xoxo
P.S. I love you so smile (unless you don’t want to… It’s okay to not want to smile sometimes, just be you)"
-March 2011
"I feel empty. Like I’m reaching and trying to find something to fill the hole but nothing does. I want to cry… As though that might release my emotions but I still can’t. I lack the physical capacity to cry or talk about my emotions. It’s so much easier to smile and pretend my life is great. Pretend I don’t feel like I’m going to break down. Pretend that my heart doesn’t feel constricted and like my breathing isn’t enough.
I’m the kind of girl that nobody notices. The kind of girl people won’t remember. The girl that’s never good enough. It’s like a weight is pressing down on my body and it’s like I can’t feel, all I do is think.. Continuously like a bloody machine that’s going to explode any time soon. My brain will probably explode one day, not because I’m smart, because it’ll go hysterical in some kind of meltdown.
I have no energy. I don’t want to go out ever. I get irritable all the time. I just want to sleep, watch tv and read. I get angry so fast. I want to be alone. I want to just stare at a wall and talk to no one. But at the same time, I’m so lonely and crave to talk to people. Why do I feel okay for a couple weeks and then suddenly it’s like I’m drowning in the hurricane of my own thoughts again?
I need a release, a way to escape and get away but that doesn’t help does it? Because straight after it, you’re back and you’re facing the exact same issues as you were before.
I don’t know what is wrong with me but I’m pretty sure everyone around me suffers just as bad so I don’t tell anyone. It’s my burden not theirs after all. People say it’s the quiet ones that suffer most but I think the ones that tell everyone are hurting just as much… They want attention, they want someone to care for real… It’s sad. A lot of things are sad. Of course lots of things are happy too but I can’t help but dwell on the sad things more than the good.
I am quite a happy person a lot of the time but sometimes it’s like my mind suddenly switches and it’s like my mind is tearing itself apart inside my head and I can’t focus because everything is just numb. I’m convinced I don’t have depression but sometimes my head struggles with the reality of life. It doesn’t understand anything and my world is just a blur. This is what I tell myself constantly:
It’ll be okay,
It’ll be okay,
It’ll be okay,
You’ll be okay,
You’ll be happy,
You’ll smile again,
Don’t give up.
What is wrong with me?
It’ll be okay,
It’ll be okay,
You’ll be okay,
You’ll be happy,
You’ll smile again,
Don’t give up.
What is wrong with me?
Such a happy, happy girl aren’t I? I really need to work on being less sarcastic.. Anyway, bye! Lots and lots of love to you all! xoxo"
-March 2011