During my mid-teenage hood, I was labelled as being gravely opinionated by my entourage. There was a point where post family reunions, my mother would ask me to keep my loud thoughts to myself the next time.
As such, there was one such opinion I had that fretted even my school mates a lot. I was of the opinion that one should definitely get married and then get divorced as they reach their late 40s. I firmly believed in that and I still do. For reasons that I will discuss some other day.
No, I don’t come from an empty shell family and it’s not that I don’t believe in marriage, at least I’m targeting my personal definition of marriage; the large broad meaning of marriage as a social institution, well to heck with that one. (Yes, I’m a Marxist foundationally.)
But before you accuse me of being ‘too highly opinionated’ like the rest of the world, let me bring to you some lines of thoughts.
As human beings, it is biologically normal that we have something against parting away from closed ones. All transitions are always hard, but the decision to divorce, however, can erupt like a volcano for very societally-aligned people. Who has ever tried to view divorce through rose-tinted spectacles, anyway? Have you?
It’s just that we have been molded since birth to view marriage as this ultimate lifelong process meant to be ultra-glamourized. And if it ‘breaks up’, well thrash negativity on the couple’s character and inefficiency to be together.
I mean, WHY?
Divorce doesn’t happen by accident. It builds up slowly when people overlook the things that matter most. Divorce isn’t a bubble that’s ready to burst. Most people assume that a divorce is a shocker, something that comes right out of the blue when it is least expected. Perhaps, to family and friends, that may be the case. But to the couple involved, it’s something they would have seen all along.
Here, I would encourage you to reflect on how society built up your understanding of what a marriage is.
It all begins very early at the same old place: childhood. In play with dolls and drawings and make-believe with friends, which often center on some notion of family, we are all running quietly in the background with unconscious assumptions, which can have a brutal collision with adult reality.
Our legal, societal and religious structure are so built that we feel like we require some sort of permission to act on what our heart tells us. And that is the greatest blockage to human happiness; it is a true epidemic among us all.
Some will go to say that it is not the ‘right’ thing to do to divorce and should be the last resort. It shows a lack of commitment by the person initiating the divorce.
What we don't understand is that divorce is not necessarily a sign of failure. For some people, divorce has to inevitably be ugly. For lots of reasons, sorrowfully, it spans from religious, societal, community, and stringent mentality. For some open-minded people, though, splitting up is a grief-filled experience full of genuine loss and wonderful opportunities.
Heck no! See it from my perspective. The person will lack commitment from towards her or his own Self as well as the promise she or he made to be happy! Individualism you call it? Nopes. I would not call it so. Just like an empty cup of coffee cannot pour out coffee to another cup, a person devoid of happiness cannot give happiness to others.
If you stay married ‘for the sake of your children’, you expose them to daily arguments, negative undercurrents, shouting, possible violence, and an atmosphere that is in no way calm and peaceful. This has a huge impact on your child. When parents stay in a bad marriage, kids have to cope with the fall out from a never ending cycle of disputes, resentment, sadness, and even hate. Children live in a volatile environment, which even if it is not violent, it is not nurturing and loving. You can only sire happiness for your entourage if you are happy too at the end of the day.
I guess the best reason for holding your head up, though, is knowing that you did something for you. Not in the selfish, 'It's all about me' way or in the way of making him a bad guy and you look like the victim, but rather I could hold my head up knowing that I had done a lot of inner work to make a decision that was harder than most people think and I was going to honor me. You'll come to trust yourself more, realize that you're strong enough to take a stand, and understand that you learned something along the way.
I know a few celebrity couples who are happily divorced and do not for that purpose say that they do not love their partner anymore. At times, you may very well be very much in love with your wife or husband but prefer to stay apart. At times, your marriage may very well be a happy, joyful and fulfilling one, but both want to have new discoveries in their life and they want to evolve from there.
At times, some let their relationships transform. They burn the old and see what emerges. No, they are not insane. They are simply conscious people, who entertain a certain spiritual awareness and believe in the evaluative process.
And in any case, if your relationship is going to have any chance at re-emerging in a new, healthy form that allows you to be friends and strong parenting partners, you have to let it all go first. Who knows what you'll keep or who you will become. Don't feel betrayed if the other person withdraws or remains silent when you start a riff on how hard it is to blah blah blah. She/he is wisely trying to build new boundaries for the care and safety of your relationship. It may feel lousy and lonely for a while but it's the only way to move forward in a healthy way.
A divorce can be a highly fulfilling process actually. Parting can be a highly filling process actually. Letting go can be a highly filling process actually too.
We cannot restrict ourselves to thinking conventionally and professing others' life philosophies simply because it is the set out norm. Dare to believe differently. Dare to be.
Until next time,
Much love,
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