I'm in love with Aehr as much as I'm in love with Rhea.

I feel bad!

I just feel bad. It's weird. I've always been this assertive person who's so sure of the personality I endorse and even flaunt it. But right now, it's the period of change which is nagging. I know matter of factly, that my perspective on a hell of a lot of things is starting to change dramatically- and this change is never going to be the last one-all of us undergo constant changes in our own personality.

At times I wished that I could allow myself somebody to rely on- how much longer will I look for comfort in my imaginary friends. I can't keep confiding into Abhi each time I feel like I need someone to hold myself to. Up till when will I crystallize my urge to embrace someone by hugging Candy like my life depends on it. I'm done-or perhaps I'm not. I know the minute I accept somebody into my life, I'm instantly going to want to pull away. It's just the way I am. I always tend to behave contrary to people's affection towards me. I think it's because I've been taught to be afraid to love. :'(

Whenever somebody still today calls me a friend or a best friend- well I'll just start making myself rare in that person's life. The moment my brother comes near for a cuddle, I'll just shoo him off the next minutes. I remember "loving" this one boy back when I was 9, and I did receive my first Love Letter from himself. Any normal girl would have jump in hysteria-but I, I did something which still baffles Aehr today, I remember tearing the pink note in pieces...Whenever my Dad offers a world of goodness, it's passiveness which I send back..


Why am I this different? Is it normal to be like that?-I still wonder-But I can't do anything about it, that's the way I am. I have never lived a normal life. I've been an only child for 6 years of my life. Responsibilities, a constantly serious approach to life and obedience were all daily doses of my childhood. That's how I grew up. I have lived my childhood through my brother thankfully- but now that even he's starting to get over that phase- I feel lost.



The past 2 years, I have led a life of sheer self-inflicted misery. Yes-they were. And no, it was not because of school or exams. I've always been this loud person. Not afraid of putting my opinions forward, always extorting attention in elderly talks, getting indulged in infuriated debates, critical about the world around- a sworn egalitarian and so much more..! Although all these came naturally to me as if they were ingrained in my genes- I'm feeling exasperated. It's as if I'm actually acknowledging that people can't bear hearing speak. I always knew that I was unwanted- but I just merely refused to believe it. I'm starting to believe it these days.

But who knew that going to an all-girls school could make even the loudest pf people antisocial. I can't believe that I had distanced myself so much from people. But I know today that they were two fully amazing years to have lived. I wanted to experience the thrill of shunning society. Had you been in my close group of friends, you would often have heard me say- "I'm rejecting society even before society gets the chance to do so!" And weirdly, I used to be so proud of it!

But I'm tired now. I'm tired of feeling torn apart. I want to come back-Unless I don't. It's so comforting to be alone. Away from the stares of people, away from their constant bickering and lamentably poor psyche.. It was fun being the mystery girl- the one nobody knew much about. But I acknowledge that somewhere down the line, I don't like to indulge into peer activity because of my Mom. The anti-social mutt I am is meant only for her. And I don't mind being that. (It has actually won me a reputation of the one who disgusts boys- thanks to my Mom. :/ She's always been a fundamental shaper of my core beliefs.)

I'm tired now.
I think it's time for a change.

I'm torn between being the exuberant young girl that my closest chums know and the anti-social mutt the distant eyes see.
I'm torn between being the spiritual being I am, and the critical person I am.
I'm torn between acknowledging that I do not hate boys as much as I claim it, and the seeker-of-gentlemen I can be.
I'm torn between accepting society as it is, and rejecting it.

I don't know what to be.
When I am One, some people love it.
When I'm the Other, other people love it.
I know that I'm going to be loved no matter what.
But Should I be a Self which is loved by others or by Me?
But there's no Self which I like more than the other.

I'm in love with Aehr as much as I'm in love with Rhea.

Perhaps, I should create a whole new different Self?! I'm not sure.
I know that I should act fast enough, or I might lose myself yet again..:'(

But wait I can very much be both at the same time..well, I've tried-and it's not working.. More than confusing others with my mood swings, it's me who's eating my own tail. I've never felt this desperate to create myself all over again... I know that I'm hurting people in the process, but Hey, Please forgive me..

And there we go again, feeling like the mainstream and irrational Teenager!

-"My life, my thoughts." Thanks :)
I love you! ;)
I've been pouring too much of my internal debacle on this one person these days, and I feel terribly awful about it. I was wrong in doing that.

P.S. The IISuperwomanII Photos are for mere fun. I didn't want this to be much of a negative post. 

Take Care, One Love-God Bless! <3

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,it’s about learning to dance in the rain.―Vivian Greene